Sometimes It's Goodbye

ENTRY NEVER POSTED, now I feel I can. March 14, 2011.

This weekend, to say the least, was the weekend from Hell. Cosmo went missing and we still cannot find him anywhere in my parents' neighborhood in The Canyon. We searched every bush and path, river and glen and no Cosmo to be found. Cosmo was 13 1/2 years old, deaf, and could barely walk...so where could he be? Well, since he has been missing for two days now...there is only one conclusion that I can make about him...that he left home to die. My old dog Sheba did the same thing before she suffered from a massive stroke a week after she had tried to die alone. She ran away and hid in a ditch underneath the undergrowth of a storm drain...at least then we found her, but now with Cosmo, I think he was crafty enough and found an even better spot. He's been trying to die for the past few months. I guess he knew he was dying long before we could even fathom it. It's amazing the intelligence of an animal. In most pack animals, when the elderly animal or sickly animal is at the point of death, it will leave the pack in order to protect the rest of the family. I suppose that this is what Cosmo did for us. I only wish Cosmo had had a way to tell me earlier so that I could prepare for the aching gaping hole that resides in my heart right now. I have lost another part of my childhood. In death, he feels so far away, yet in my memory he is wrestling with me on the family room carpet and understands me when I command him in German and English. Twelve years of my life, so many memories and joys, the striking pain of losing his daughter Xena to cancer 2 years ago; it is difficult to sum up all of the love I have felt for them in all those years, and still. I cannot say when I will feel "better" because I believe that I have barely begun to cope with the sadness. I feel the emptiness my heart once again as another love, another friend, another companion is lost to me in death. I can have a single comfort in that God has a place for all of His creatures in Heaven and that according to the great film, All Dogs Go To Heaven...and cats too. :) I love you, my Cosmo. I know you are with Xena again, wrestling and snuggling. Give her kiss and a cuddle for me, as I am here and you are in Heaven. I shall see you again, one day.

Good day my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Trying to get into a groove

So here I am, once again, beginning a new school semester and loving every moment of it...and I haven't even finished a whole week. My first two classes are going to give me a new perspective on how and why I teach. Even more-so exciting is that I and my husband are going to be a part of the y320 ministry at our church, The Bridge, in Rancho Santa Margarita. y320 stands for Youth(Ephesians 3:20)

Ephesians 3:20 (New Living Translation)

²⁰ Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

How glorious to work with youth and show them how much God loves them and what great things they can do with God!!! It brings chills to my spine and goose-pimples to my arms; I am SO excited. Ever since I started college I had this urge, this desire, to fellowship with those younger than me and to somehow, through God's graces, make a genuine connection with them and provide them a safe place to talk and express themselves. Even though I did go to church as a youth, I did not have a strong group of friends or elders that could teach me what wrong and right were. However stained my past may be, Christ has washed it clean. I have no excuses for my past sins and they are confessed to Him and I need not worry about them now. I shall always be looking forward to what God has in store for me and for ministry. What great things I can accomplish with God! I cannot wait!

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Times

Hello, again. Here I am in this new year flabbergasted at how far I have come. I still have moments were I cannot breathe or I forget why I am at a certain location...but otherwise I am alright--much better. I cannot profess to complete wellness, yet I can say that I truly feel stable. It still upsets me that all of my best words come to me as I fall asleep. Why does such misfortune befall me where my greatest thoughts can never be rightly recorded? It breaks me within and shatters that one part of my soul that can never heal to its original state. I grieve for these words when I awaken at morning's first light and my inspiration fades into the rays of sunlight, blinding my mind. I cannot begin the divulge such longings and frustrations, but shall leave it at that and remain in my current condition: frustrated.
Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Hopeful

A little poem to tie me over until finals are over...then I shall be more consistent with my posts. :) There is a crushing pain in my chest, nothing physical, just my mind playing tricks on me. It's that feeling you get when you are in a panic and everything tightens inside. That is now, yet I am completely relaxed.

There are times when I feel exhilarated by life.
There are times when joy spills from my heart like an overfilled chalice.
There are times when I am more angry than a bull in a fight.
There are times when I remember things more than I truly desire to.
There are times when I cannot bear to go on in that day, that hour, that very second.
There are times when I miss him more than I can stand.
There are times when I smile to myself cause I had a good day.
There are times when I am so sad that all I can do is stare into the distance.
There are times when I dare not say how I feel for fear of more pain.
There are times when I write myself insane.
There are times like now that I wish...

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

July 13th, 2010

I wrote this to CLD a bit after July 4th...How we love our fireworks.

I'm sorry for taking you for granted
for not calling as much as I should have
I'm so glad for all the times we had
For every entry I ever wrote
all of which praised you and declared my love
even though you have gone and left this earth
I miss you, miss you, so terribly
Even though I am married with joy, I still miss you
You stole my heart, which I actually gave to you
Freely you took it and never gave it back
Just like I still have yours
I miss you, miss you
Always, my friend
Always and Forever, Baby

February 25th, 2006

I will stand by the side of love no matter what
no matter who
no matter how
no matter where it takes me
I will stand by the side of love because it's importent
because it's love
because it's amazing
precious
and hard to find
I will stand by the side of love even though I seem like a melodramatic fool
even though I write in verse and poetics
even though I have priorities
even though I have fears
I will stand by the side of love and live life to the fullest and love like I've never been hurt
I will stand my ground and face the music and step to the beat of my own drum
The drum of my heartbeat, the drum of me
I will stand by the side of love
I will stand by the side of God
So therefore I stand by the side of Love
God is Love
Now I know where I stand

Know Better(written in a time of confusion with CLD)

I'm afraid, that I might just melt away
I won't deny, that sorrow's stuck to me
Today I searched my soul all through
I found nothing but emptiness
Sure I've got so many choices
But that doesn't bring joy to my eyes

I lie awake in bed, listening to the sounds
of night at its best
I stare up at the stars where I count
my memories
Each one has a voice that echoes
through my brain

Every inch I want to memorize
Every minute just to know you better
I may be crazy to have a feeling
Cause feelings always hurt

I'm alone, because I left all I know
I won't deny, it was my fault at the start
Last night, I searched the stars
Snd found those eyes I knew
Yes, I know I have so much
But that doesn't bring joy to my eyes

I fade way in the rays of the sun
melting me
I have hope of no return from
a memory
Each one has a voice that echoes
through my brains

Every inch I want to memorize
Every minute just to know you better
I may be crazy to have a feeling
Cause feelings always hurt

If each memory always hurts
Then why do I want them so much?

Copyright 2005. Jessi Bhatia. Wolf Angel Productions