Hopeful

A little poem to tie me over until finals are over...then I shall be more consistent with my posts. :) There is a crushing pain in my chest, nothing physical, just my mind playing tricks on me. It's that feeling you get when you are in a panic and everything tightens inside. That is now, yet I am completely relaxed.

There are times when I feel exhilarated by life.
There are times when joy spills from my heart like an overfilled chalice.
There are times when I am more angry than a bull in a fight.
There are times when I remember things more than I truly desire to.
There are times when I cannot bear to go on in that day, that hour, that very second.
There are times when I miss him more than I can stand.
There are times when I smile to myself cause I had a good day.
There are times when I am so sad that all I can do is stare into the distance.
There are times when I dare not say how I feel for fear of more pain.
There are times when I write myself insane.
There are times like now that I wish...

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

July 13th, 2010

I wrote this to CLD a bit after July 4th...How we love our fireworks.

I'm sorry for taking you for granted
for not calling as much as I should have
I'm so glad for all the times we had
For every entry I ever wrote
all of which praised you and declared my love
even though you have gone and left this earth
I miss you, miss you, so terribly
Even though I am married with joy, I still miss you
You stole my heart, which I actually gave to you
Freely you took it and never gave it back
Just like I still have yours
I miss you, miss you
Always, my friend
Always and Forever, Baby

February 25th, 2006

I will stand by the side of love no matter what
no matter who
no matter how
no matter where it takes me
I will stand by the side of love because it's importent
because it's love
because it's amazing
precious
and hard to find
I will stand by the side of love even though I seem like a melodramatic fool
even though I write in verse and poetics
even though I have priorities
even though I have fears
I will stand by the side of love and live life to the fullest and love like I've never been hurt
I will stand my ground and face the music and step to the beat of my own drum
The drum of my heartbeat, the drum of me
I will stand by the side of love
I will stand by the side of God
So therefore I stand by the side of Love
God is Love
Now I know where I stand

Know Better(written in a time of confusion with CLD)

I'm afraid, that I might just melt away
I won't deny, that sorrow's stuck to me
Today I searched my soul all through
I found nothing but emptiness
Sure I've got so many choices
But that doesn't bring joy to my eyes

I lie awake in bed, listening to the sounds
of night at its best
I stare up at the stars where I count
my memories
Each one has a voice that echoes
through my brain

Every inch I want to memorize
Every minute just to know you better
I may be crazy to have a feeling
Cause feelings always hurt

I'm alone, because I left all I know
I won't deny, it was my fault at the start
Last night, I searched the stars
Snd found those eyes I knew
Yes, I know I have so much
But that doesn't bring joy to my eyes

I fade way in the rays of the sun
melting me
I have hope of no return from
a memory
Each one has a voice that echoes
through my brains

Every inch I want to memorize
Every minute just to know you better
I may be crazy to have a feeling
Cause feelings always hurt

If each memory always hurts
Then why do I want them so much?

Copyright 2005. Jessi Bhatia. Wolf Angel Productions

Levitate (written for CLD)

Staring down my memories
I see you in the distance
Holding on to every prayer
Believing in me, in who I am

I held a darkness in my eyes
You walked beside and took my hand
You took me to the Top of the World
You showed me a true love

Whenever I fall you catch me
and Love my tears away
I feel as if I'm levitating
In a state of love
Please don't be a dream
I know life is only transient
But with the time we have
We can be together, we'll be strong

You're my unlikely hero
A magic trick in itself
I never know what to believe
Cause you are unimaginable

Although time flies by
We can't stop it or find it all
It seems we don't have enough
But some way we find it in ourselves

Whenever I fall you catch me
and Love my tears away
I feel as if I'm levitating
In a state of love
Please don't be a dream
I know life is only transient
But with the time we have
We can be together, yes we can

Save the last dance for me
I'll save my last for you
Remember the light in your eyes
The way you looked at me

It seemed so hopeless
But now there is a reason
There is a common ground
An understanding, a love that will last

Whenever I fall you catch me
and Love my tears away
I feel as if I'm levitating
In a state of love
Please don't be a dream
I know life is only transient
But with the time we have
We can be together, yes we can

We can be together, yes we can

Copyright 2005. Jessi Bhatia. Wolf Angel Productions.

January 5th, 2005

Day in and day out I juggle to make life run smooth
I wait about and tell you the truth
Constantly ducking and jumping in and out and through the air
Even when the world falls on me, there's always a happy stare
Starlight , star bright, all you see in me is just right
Juggling just to keep my world in sight
Nothing to change, I'm simply me
I dodge and dart across the room, you see
Everything before you is all laid out for me to show
I'm just me didn't you know
Jumping through a mirror of sparkling glass
This rough spell will eventually, in time, pass
So here I go, juggling still
Waiting for you to free my will
The world falls down mad and I'm still here
Waiting for through the window my light to appear
So here I am juggling still
Juggling, juggling, juggling still

March 25, 2004

NEW BEGINNING


Contemplation...
Hesitation...
Something more is there...

Tranquil whispers
fill my ears
Nothins seems to
be as it appears

So anxious
at even the thought
So joyous
don't let this feeling stop

I can't believe
such troubles ended
When I'm with you
my heart feels mended

Listen to the fears,
of a lonely heart
Every time I think of you,
the pain just stops
Can this be, a new beginning?
Oh, tell me...

I'd never take you for granted
I'd never give you a reason to fret
I'd always care for you, the best I could
The way someone should..

So fearful
at what you might say
So solemn
am I when I pray
for a certain
chance of happiness...

I can't believe,
such troubles ended
When I'm with you,
my heart feels mended

Listen to the fears,
of a lonely heart
Every time I think of you,
the pain just stops
Can this be, a new beginning?
Oh, tell me...

Is this a new beginning?

LAST STAND (I wrote this to Chase...little did I know that 4 years later it would be directed to me)

May I be close, to you my friend?
I've got this feeling, that I may soon end...
This could be, the last time
This could be, my final stand
Just remember, the way that I am with you
Then it won't, hurt as much...

When I'm gone, don't shed a tear
When I'm gone, you should have nothing to fear
My love, will always be with you
That's the best, I can do...
This could be, my last smile
This could be, my last trial
Just remember, the times that we had
Then it won't hurt as much...

My body may die, but I'm still here
I'll forever, be with you, through your smiles and your tears...
My love will see you through..
That's the best I can do...
This could be, my last laugh
This could be, my last breath
Just hold me close, and we can say goodbye...

I'll cry for now, and then I'll smile
We're closer now than ever, it's been such a while
You're what I've searched for
I couldn't ask for more
Keep me in your arms, until I finally go...

Embrace me softly as I fade away
This will be, my final day
I wish I could stay, but I have to go
Our love will live on, didn't you know?
This could be, our final gaze
This could be, our last embrace
Just remember me and the feelings that we shared...
that love...beyond compare...

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
You know we have to say goodbye
You knew this day would come
So there goes my life, it's done
Just like grains of sand
And that's my last stand

AGONY( I wrote this some time in 2003)

I...
Didn't know that people were so cruel
You..
Just had to rub things in my face until it hurt
They...
Only know how to destroy, to hate, to lie, and condemn
We...
Were the only ones who didn't show the the agony

Why Don't You...
STOP the pain
STOP the lies
STOP the screams I hear inside...
STOP the worry
STOP the anguish
STOP the silent misery

Why Don't You...

I...
Once was able to dream of happiness
You...
Drowned my heart until nothing was left here at all
They...
Told you all the lies the Stupid want to think
We...
Kept it in and then threw it all away...

Why Don't You...
HEAR the truth...
HEAR the anger...
HEAR the real screams all around...
HEAR the sorrow
HEAR the death cries
HEAR the truth of AGONY...

The truth of AGONY...

Everyone...
FEALS it
HEARS it
BREATHES it
TASTES it
HOLDS it
LOVES it
Then pushes it all away
pushes it all away...

Why Don't You...
hold the AGONY...
Why Don't You...
Take it back...
Take back your AGONY
Be who you wanna be
Just take back your....

AGONY...

October 3rd, 2003

Such pain I feel inside
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Can I just run away and hide
This sorrow-stricken face, keeping tears at bay
I miss him so much
The way he'd talk to me, his voice, and every touch
I don't know what to do
What does it ever matter to you
My heart is broken, ripped in two
I wish I knew just what to do
I feel so alone
And On My Own
Why can't I feel emotion any more
I used to have a heart
That used to adore
His every movement or stand still
I wish I had the will
The will to carry on
I thought that I'd be strong, that I'd move on and on
But I just can't ever get over him
Just can't get over my heart
I should have known from the start
That there is never room in anyone for this heart

Things That I Had Forgotten

So...I was searching the vast depths of cyberspace at my old blogs and posts from miscellaneous places and found that I haven't posted my poetry in a super long time, so there shall be a lot of posts following this one that contain recent and far past poetry that I have written. Enjoy, critique, comment. Thanks.

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Beginnings Start With An End

Today marks the second day of my journey through Graduate School at Chapman University. As with every beginning, it is instigated by the departure of an end. In my case, the end of summer, the end of being "just" a housewife living comfortably with my husband working while I clean house, prepare meals, socialize with other housewives at my church (The Bridge in RSM), and make sure that his underwear is folded and put away in just he right fashion as to be deemed suitable by my own standards (which are definitely not his...haha). I dare say I shall not be abandoning this life, but rather adding a new and more complex aspect this simplistic joy that I have found myself in: I am back in school. Goodbye to undergrad painting and hello to graduate work in teaching.
I now embark into a program to get my teaching credential with the State of California and continue on to the pursuit of my Masters of Arts in Teaching. With much anxiety and proactive thinking I find myself on a path that pleases me, for now I shall be busier than ever--and with such clutter in my head I find I am inspired to paint more. Folly be to me for I have found inspiration in a time such as this when the time shall be much more difficult to find. Rather, I shall be entrenched in the endeavor to grasp onto as many moments as I possibly can whilst getting an education and making sure my world does not come undone while I am away. Yet, I give myself far too much credit for these things that I strive for, I keep forgetting to give God the credit for all of my successes and all of the opportunities that come my way. Oh glorious day! I await what you might impart to me! I thank God for all of this organized chaos, for I know that He would never give me more than I can handle. Rejoice, I say! Rejoice, and be glad, for great is your reward in Heaven! Pardon my tangent, but I had to give credit where credit need be given.

At this very moment I cannot think of anything else that need be said, but I shall continue to press on into a new world of the University and the greatest gift that I God has blessed me with, life.

This time Good day my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Gifts

There are times like right now when I truly realize how selfish I can be and what my capabilities are for that hideous trait.

The Dick Blick Studio catalog came in the mail yesterday and I haven't been able to keep my eyes un-glued from the darn thing. All I've been able to do is look at the art supplies I would like to have in my possession and what I might do with these things. As a visual artist I can say that I need them to improve my work(which is true to an extent), but on the other hand, half of the time I purchase art supplies on an impulsive level, i.e. but it's just SO STINKING COOL! I NEED it!...
haha...right...

SO I guess my point for this post is as a reminder to keep a level head when looking at things...keep everything in perspective...I could easily blow all of my savings on painting supplies...which I will use, but don't necessarily have the funds to purchase at this very moment...even though they are ridiculously discounted.

Goal...moderation.

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Memory At Rest

There are memories we have because those moments were that of greatness, and then there are memories that have become a part of us forever. I like to believe that memories are what keep us alive, what make life important, what instill in us that which we cannot understand until we look back and see that which we could not comprehend then. I have also found that the most profound memories remain not only in your mind, but also in your heart...if that makes any sense. And in these memories, people tend to live forever, feel forever, and remain the same-constant.
The Pier:
The breeze was brisk as I held to my dear friend's arm. The sun shone warmly with a severity that only the company of love could lessen with its heat blazing far hotter than the sun could ever emanate. We sat back and shared the sun with an intensity that could only be recorded by Shakespeare or Fitzgerald. It was a love song of sorts, as our gaiety surged beyond what we could taste or see, rather our minds thought as one and our bodies moved like magnets. He protected me from the onlookers glance and held me close. His greatest of friends, his confidante, and biggest fan galloped into the sea with the greatest joy in her heart that you could feel it all around. Her blouse was white and her beauty great and we smiled at the sight of her beaming face.
A Night of Fireworks:
The day began with a Rabbit and a smile--introductions and trust, a little faith and love in our hearts. To the center of Orange we drove, the sun beating our faces without a care in the world. Dear Grandma loved on us with great care and smiled and gave the warmest of hugs. Family met and dined and we held hands through the day at play. We got cozy on lawn chairs and awaited, with cousins alike, for the greatest moments of the night. With shine ans sparkle came the greatest noise! A bang, a dazzle, reds, whites, and blues blended to a joyous blaze. As the lights faded and the night came to an end, we retired to a lovely home where lovely people laid at rest. I lay restless in a bed unfamiliar to my form and wandered sleepily down the hall to a comfy sofa where he rest with cartoons. We fit together like a puzzle, even in my puppy kitten pajamas. I fell asleep, quite content as my dear friend gave me comfort.

For these are two greatest days etched in my heart--of my dearest "Guatamalaness" who sadly had to depart. Viva La El Queso Grande--You Shall Live Forever Gypsy Boy
Remembering Always,
Your Gypsy Girl

Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

Another Sunday in Paradise

Good evening world. I have some inkling that I am restless. That being a wife is just not cutting it for me. I don't think I can stay at home for too much longer. I will have to go into some major prayer to get into school this fall...cause all of the applications are in and materials sent...now it's the waiting to get in. I want to get in SO badly!!! I want my world to shake and my mind to be stretched again. I feel my heart stretching and growing, but my mind feels lazy. My faith in God is stronger than ever, yet there is this wanting within me--to be greater, to stretch beyond my wildest dreams, to live to the extreme. Exciting things are to come; of this I truly believe. Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live--until next time.

My very first post

So...as in the past blogs there must be first post. Well, here goes nothing! Good morning, world, we meet again and I find myself in a state of eyelids heavily laden with the beginnings of sleep and the exhilarating need to write, write, and write some more. As per usual, my life is filled with oximorons, oposites colliding and contracting just waiting to confuse me just one more iota further than I already am. What a concept! As my body shuts down my mind awakens...I guess I should rest now. I have a love/hate relationship with my mind(more on that later). Goodnight my dearest friend, farewell to the world in which I live...only for now--rest.